LIFE COACHING: by Heidi Cornelissen
** I absolutely believe that people, unless coached, never reached their maximum capabilities.
Bob Nardelli, President and CEO of Home Depot **
Funny enough my journey with Life Coaching started with a magazine article. And not even an article I came across myself. A friend gave me a copy, wanting my opinion on it, potentially being something he thought he may be interested in. The universe certainly knows how to bring something to our attention if we miss it the first (or even second) time round!
I used to be a defensive skeptic towards anyone claiming to know me better than I know myself. And heaven help those who offered ways for me to get to know myself better!
Let’s get real – I’d lived with myself all my life – why would I need to dig deeper and delve into who I was - all in the name of discovering the old cliché of an ultimate life purpose.
P-uh-lease.
Despite all these negative preconceptions, the Universe nudged me forward and I committed to six sessions with the author of the article I’d been exposed to - someone called Natalie Vlismas, a Life Coach.
I write this now – after my six sessions have ended - as a different person. Or perhaps just a more real version of the same person?
I reflect on the beauty of the process we followed as having been exactly what I wanted it to be. Even though I didn’t originally know what it was that I wanted. All I seemed to know was how I felt – which was conflicted mostly. And herein, I believe, lies the secret. Talking about my feelings and experiences was new for me, so now I stand amazed at the power this brought to the process. And brings to me, still.
I come from an academic accounting background, with my career always having had first priority in my life. It had always proved a safe and controllable environment for a solid, risk adverse citizen such as I was. But some of the changes that had started confronting me internally and in my physical world were rapidly becoming overwhelming. I blame that annoying Universe again.
After an initial, casual introductory session with Natalie, we mapped out six sessions with an end goal envisioned – but this wasn’t necessarily the way the all-knowing Universe wanted things to evolve between her and me. The six sessions included a number of detailed goals and barometers. These served as measurement against what was actually achieved at the end of the contract. Albeit an exposing and somewhat pressurized initial session, I cannot emphasise enough the value I received from revisiting them now at the end of the contract.
I started my unnerving first session with the serious belief that I was crazy – or damn near close to it – with my life seemingly out of control. I had too many balls in the air and lived in fear of trampling the eggshells I’d created as my constant footpath. My list of “wants” seemed endless and - more worrying to me – they all appeared conflicting. Today I battle to believe I felt, let alone said, the things I did. But because our sessions were so well mapped out and documented I don’t doubt the reality that those feelings were a real part of me. I now have proof that fundamental and soul changing shifts can happen over a surprisingly short period of time.
As with many neatly laid out plans, unforeseen changes are guaranteed. The strength in a relationship and journey such as this is its morphological nature. Natalie cleverly moulded each session around what my needs were - then and there.
As a rule, I hate repeating myself and am acutely aware of what I’ve said previously and particularly to whom. The liberation of speaking to a Coach came with the freedom to rehash an idea or concept – allowing me to fully understand it! I believe this is the only way deeply rooted patterns and issues become unearthed and therefore resolved. Miraculously, once that’s achieved, the need for ad nauseam repetition evaporates.
I’ve always believed that if I’m not learning or improving myself I move backwards. It’s a given that the world plummets forward and therefore, by remaining stagnant I actually move backwards.
Coaching, by definition means ‘to train, to tutor or to act as a trainer or tutor’.
The challenge with Life Coaching that bears remembering is that, as with everything in life, what an individual puts into the process determines the reward he/she reaps. The same principle applies in sports coaching. Successful teams still need constant practice/ rehearsal. Skills can be taught, but the achievement comes when the team members get stuck in and do the hard work
The coaching process delivers as lot through guidance, leadership, highlighting patterns and raising awareness. Learning is undoubtedly facilitated. During a few of my sessions I accused Natalie of making me think. She told me eventually that this was the technique she’d chosen to utilize in her facilitation. It was her job to provide the challenges and raise my awareness – the rest was up to me.
Life coaching is nothing revolutionary. As children someone held our hand as we took our first steps into the world of independence. And so, as adults, we may also need to reach out and allow someone to hold our hand through change and exploratory processes. Looking back I know that the answers acquired and the journey were my own, but the guided, professional hand-holding (while I discovered and learnt to trust myself) was as important as the process itself.
I now live in a comfortable space, enjoying being myself. I know I’m not crazy. I’m just me. And that’s perfect in itself.
There are three ways I learn. With my mind. With my body. With my heart. Learning using all three these faculties ensures I absorb. Absorption ensures complete understanding.
I learnt to listen (and hear) the way I say things – shifting responsibility from the comfortable word “they” who don’t touch my emotional space to the uncomfortable word “me”.
I understood that I never have to provide justification for who I am or what I feel.
I learnt that people’s stuff is their stuff. Leave it there.
I understood the value of not focusing on the outcome of everything I do. By being the real me in every minute of every day – everything (including me) is as it should be. Always. Perfectly.
I have redefined both the concept and the word ‘Perfect’ to myself and in my world.
Natalie Vlismas met me at the exact crossroads (of many roads!) where I found myself four months ago. All aspects of my perceived crises were looked at: practical, emotional, mental and spiritual. We have now (together) brought these dimensions into a harmony through a powerful journey to arrive at a place where I’m completely comfortable and secure in my own skin.
The biggest reason I entered into a life coaching relationship was to find a way to continue my practical existence while walking the intense spiritual journey I find myself on. Uncovering practical sides of myself through the combination of spiritual practices with psychological behavioural concepts has firmly grounded me for earth’s classroom.
And we all know how difficult the lessons and situations we face in this daunting classroom are most of the time!
I’m challenged by the words of Jonathan Winters, “If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to meet it.”
I think I’m ready. I’ve grown some fins.
.......................................................................................................
Coaching for Change: by natalie Vlismas
People realise that more
pressure, more assets and bigger responsibilities may have appeared to be
the answer in the past, but in a world drowning in poverty and environmental
overdraft these goals when reached, may feel senseless especially when they
come at the expense of quality of life. Not to say that we should not be
striving for material wealth and success, but people increasingly want to
find the formula for excelling in all the areas of their lives that are
important to them and lead to the experience of fulfilment. For this reason
we need to be very specific and honest about how we personally experience
success. This rising awareness has resulted in an upsurge of what I call
'get fixed quick' programmes, which cater to our culture of instant
gratification and appear to accommodate the acceleration of change.
We've all been on a short course to 'change our minds' and think positively,
and then? Most often we see some results at first. Then the old self kicks
in. It is always strongly identified with our behaviours and most often
supported by outdated and dysfunctional belief patterns. It sabotages all
our new strategy for a better life. Been there?
The current rise in awareness of the dissatisfaction resulting from a life
of chaos focused on the manic pursuit of the next promotion, or a higher pay
check, is exciting, says Natalie Vlismas.
for
change
time
I liken these short seminars/courses to yoga or meditation retreats, where
we get a glimpse of what is possible yet without a maintenance program of
some sort; it is almost impossible to find integration into our daily living
and the effects are all too soon lost.
Quantum physicians have come to prove some of the core beliefs from ancient
wisdoms like Buddhism and Shamanism. Central to this wisdom, is the
discovery that atoms are not things but simply waves of probability (Deepak
Chopra among many others). Once focused upon, these atoms 'solidify' into
our experience of a 'thing'. With this knowledge we become aware of how
effective our thoughts are and how we can begin to influence our reality by
the thoughts that we hold our attention on.
The popularity of the movie The Secret, owes it's success to these
increasingly accessible theories. The 'secret' is nothing ground breaking;
the ancient teachings that support it were suppressed by the state, church,
education systems and parental authorities in support of modern societies'
dependency on them to look after the masses. There was a belief that
empowering people with the knowledge that they can 'create their own
realities', would disrupt the power centres.
A study of comparative esotericism exposes common teachings from ancient
wisdoms of universal knowledge centered on the fact that we are all
seamlessly connected with an ocean of energy that is mutually responsive. We
need to move out of the darkness of ignorance into the light of
understanding the very nature of this source energy and learn to behave
accordingly. This may require value shifts with supporting frames and
practices in daily living, to maintain positive mind focus.
Across the boundaries and spectrum of ancient spiritual teachings,
commonalities arise, like the need for non attachment: the ability to detach
oneself from outcomes but focus the attention and energy on the activity at
hand with positive attention in order to get a positive outcome (presence).
In order to get results, there is a need to relinquish attachment to a fixed
idea of what the outcome may be without losing the objective/intention. I
remember studying jazz. I was encouraged to perform and start a group,
considering my talent both musically and as a leader I found it fun and
challenging. Unfortunately, my fixed idea of how it should feel to be
successful set me up for repeated disappointments. Those same expectations
tainted every experience of success, even in business, for a long time and
many of my clients express the same dissatisfaction.
Another commonality of ancient spiritual practices is that we are all part
of a seamless continuum of universal energy with the ability to tap into and
influence the past present and the future. We can also not prove an
objective state of existence. In other words, your frame/outlook will
determine your personal experience of reality. For example, the man in the
concentration camp who goes into depression and wastes away, while the man
whose positive and optimistic state of being results in heroism and survival
in the same concentration camp. Same conditions, yet two very different
experiences.
Across all practices we learn that every thing we do and think has
repercussions, Karma is not something to believe in, it is gradually
becoming a science (but the Buddha knew this over 2 500 years ago) and with
this knowledge is born incredible power accompanied by equal responsibility.
We also know that our experience of duality and the subsequent negative
emotions that can be generated by our attachment or aversion in paradox, is
a universal challenge for which there are ancient practices (like yoga,
meditation, prayer) available as antidotes.
One of the most famous Buddhist mantras, 'Om Mani Padme Hum', is loosely
translated as 'the gem is in the lotus'. In the West we strive to bring the
diamond mind into the rose at our heart centres, this equates to precision
strategy, focus and action (wisdom diamond mind) held by immaculate values
and driving pure intentions (compassionate heart, rose).
'It is through friction alone that the gem is polished' – chinese proverb:
If the mind is to become clear and diamond-like we may need to challenge
it's functioning in order to empower it to behave like a sword. Yet the key
is in the values and intentions by which the sword lives.
Although the movie The Secret highlights American consumerism it is also
about understanding what needs to be changed within us in order to affect
physical reality through the power of thoughts. These positive thoughts need
to be repetitively generated and injected into the quantum field to affect
change by creating positive attraction energy.
With the knowledge that the universe responds to our thoughts as much as our
actions, arises the need to get into the habit of sitting still long enough
to become aware of where our thoughts are focusing. We can realise our
dreams (the good ones of course) by training our thoughts off the focus of
what isn't, to focus on what is. With gratitude, compassion for self, and
love with an honesty of what is, one can begin positively asking for what
one wants. We can be coached into living our values and how that would look
in every aspect of our lives so that when we ask, we are prepared for the
answers the universe will provide and know how we will deal with them. (or
else beware the day your dreams come true)
By appreciating what is, we attain ease at implementing the ancient Buddhist
practice of non-attachment. If we are not attached to fixed ideas of what
our outcomes should be, we open up to larger options of what could be, this
expansion makes space to lead our lives creatively. By applying ourselves
fully to the task at hand with non attachment, we also find greater
appreciation for what does happen, rather than anger at results that might
differ slightly to our expectations. This still requires the ability to
create compelling and positively stated goals whilst relinquishing our
attachment to the outcome to create a better quality of life that
incorporates body, mind, spirit and soul.
This might be quite a stretch for some, but after a while, just like proper
yoga practice for the body, the mind experiences a liberation into a new and
exciting way of being.
We do need to be aware that although the universe will answer, it doesn't
respond positively to passivity and victim-hood, appropriate coaching
interventions should be sought out to interrupt disruptive behaviour
patterns.
Now we begin to address the receiving part, I liken this to the 'being'
state: if asking is the 'doing' and the answering is the 'having'. The
question arises 'What do I need to be and do in order to receive?'
Einstein said: 'Genius is 5% inspiration 95% persistence. Nothing in the
world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing
If we are persistent about our thoughts to create balance in our lives and
we are embracing change, then another reality, the act of receiving,
fundamentally changes our being through an active transformative process and
imposes more mystery into our lives.
is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not;
unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full
of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.'
So, if we are persistent about our thoughts to create balance in our lives
and we are embracing change, then another reality, the act of receiving,
fundamentally changes our being through an active transformative process and
imposes more mystery into our lives.
I am sure you get what I'm saying. It's sometimes just not as easy as 1,2,3
to implement sustainable change and each individual is wired so differently.
Thankfully, there are some serious professionals with excellent tools at
their disposal to help you to make it that easy. A good coach will help you
establish what you personally need in order to live a successful and
fulfilling life with awareness of the repercussions of getting what you
want, so that you don't clutter yourself with a household of waste. (like
the girl who desperately wants to be thin yet has not considered the change
of wardrobe, different lifestyle and responsibility of all the attention, or
the person who wishes for a mansion but has no desire for the responsibility
that accompanies the maintenance thereof).
Receiving coaching will facilitate heightened awareness of self, the
relationship and affect that one has on every aspect of one's being with the
full matrix of the individual considered, explored and maximised.
Life Purpose Coaching has as a core purpose enabling people to connect with
what is and removing the obstacles in themselves that prevent them from
creating the life they really want to lead. This requires self mastery
through increased EQ (emotional quotients), SQ (spiritual quotient) and the
ability to begin witnessing the activities of the brain with skills to
adjust it's focus appropriately. As in practices like yoga and meditation,
the coach's job is to facilitate a stretch in the client that is both
challenging, realistic and in alignment with their highest values.
The majority of people, even those with the highest intentions, battle to
maintain themselves in a witness state for even brief periods of time let
alone spend their lives framing their thinking and speaking into positive
affirmations. The paradox: It requires intense ego strength to be able to
put the ego aside long enough to allow the truth of our own state of being
to become clear to us. Only with this realisation are we able to acknowledge
and embrace the need for change from within. We need real honesty with
ourselves about what is and gratitude for what is good. Personally I like to
find the Stillness within and allow it to permeate my every action by
drawing on the creative source at will. O
'The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his
life by altering his attitudes.' – William James
George Bernard Shaw called the true joy in life 'the being used for a
purpose you regard as a mighty one.'
'All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is
everything. What we think, we become.' – Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
NATALIE VLISMAS is the founder of The Coach Network, a specialised coaching
practice which covers the aspects of Purpose, Ethical Awareness, Value
Alignment, Emotional Quotient, Self Management, Women in Leadership,
Creative Brainstorming, Performance Consistency, Public Speaking and also
assists those on ‘stretch’ assignments. Contact her on 082 659 9866 or
e-mail Natalie@thecoachnetwork.co.za.
For info contact:
NATALIE VLISMAS on
011 646 9891 • 082 659 9866
Programmes are structured to the needs of the individual.
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